I have always loved A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. They surround the foundations of my childhood memories, they were continually enjoyed through my teen years and my love for them was renewed in my adulthood. I still have some action figures floating around. I have been known to describe some of my personal belief systems in terms of Lucas' archetypal portrayals of good and evil, and of The Force. I own the original Trilogy in their digitally remastered with new special effects editions. I have watched the whole trilogy in one sitting on the big screen in a room full of people who loved them as much as I did, cheering when the Death Star blew up, and booing at the Emperor. I am a Star Wars fan. I realized going in that this new movie could never match the childhood nostalgia, or the memories of the first three movies tied to my life experiences. But I thought, "This is Lucas' dream. His life's work. His Magnum Opus. It will still be brilliant." Therefore, it brings me great anguish to declare that Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is a total piece of shit.
Plot/the Mythology
Worst thing first. What this movie needed to do, what we all hoped it would do was set up a few things to provide continuity and flow into the other movies, and maybe explain a few more things about the Star Wars Universe that we maybe didn't already know. Like, for example, the Senate. In the first 30 minute of A New Hope, we hear that the Senate has been disbanded. So? Why is this significant? Who is the Senate? We still don't know.
We've wanted to know what the "hokey religion" of the Jedi's is all about for 20 years. What was it like before there was only Luke left? It seemed like there were only ever 10 or so of them, based on this movie. The Jedi Knights are depicted as purely military with some weak-ass psychic abilities. No sweeping religious order fighting for Good and the Light side of the force. They're a bitchy beaurocratic council. Most horrible of all, the Force is explained in a throw-away sentence about microscopic cellular organisms that can be counted with a tricorder-like device.
This movie needed to introduce several key players that will appear or at least majorly influence the rest of the series. It managed to include a good handful of them, but some were cameos that depended on your knowledge of their roles in the other three movies.
Through the whole movie I kept thinking, "Haven't I seen this before? Oh yeah, in EPISODE IV!!!" Scene-for-scene its almost exactly the same story as the original Star Wars, and even the sets look like they got recycled. I don't want to give away the ending, but in a sense I guess I already have (not that it isn't painfully obvious after the first 15 minutes.) There's nothing more to talk about here; it was literally the same plot as A New Hope with ever-so-slightly different characters.
Characters
For every major character in Episode IV, there is a direct equivalent. There's a Young Skywalker, big haired royal chicks, Jedi masters and apprentices, the eternal Droids, the cloaked badguy and his evil sidekick with wacky head attachments, and there are even guest appearances by old familiar... creatures? My big question, however, is this: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT RASTA FISH THING WITH THE EARS DOING IN THIS MOVIE?!?!?! And what the hell was it saying? I couldn't understand a word for the first 5 minutes this thing was on the screen. They tried real hard to make a "lovable" goofy character, I guess based on the giggles Yoda causes when we first meet him in Episode IV. Chewbaca was lovable. R2 and Threepio were lovable. This thing ruined the movie for me. I might get this on video just so I can watch it again after I edit that stupid thing out. It was mildly humorous maybe twice, but I couldn't tell you what those 2 times were. The justifications of re-using (or maybe "pre- using") New Hope/Return of the Jedi characters and locations are tenuous at best, but thank god they were there or I think I may have gotten up and left.
The Fucking CGI
I'm not very fond of CGI in general, but at least it could have been good CGI. Once upon a time ILM and LucasFilm were special effects. What happened? The animated characters floated and moonwalked above the ground and were so perfectly smooth and hairless that you could never forget that they were not "real" like you could with Henson's old animatronics in days of yore. The CGI was no more seamlessly blended with the live-action bits than the cut-outs from the original were. You would think that given 20 years of advancements in the technology they'd come up with something that looks better than a Saturday morning cartoon. During the rare moments when the movie wasn't being a cartoon, I felt like I was watching a video game. I did not spend 6.50 and 2 hours in line to watch toons play video games. Speaking of which, the computer animated characters ruined this movie for me. The cartoon-like Jabba in the re-made Episode IV was the template for the computer animated characters in Phantom Menace. It was like watching Toy Story in space, but without the lovability and realism of Toy Story's characters. Cardboard cut outs would have sufficed, for all the personality they had.
Directing/acting
I'm not really prepared to say anything about the directing, but the acting sucks. Everyone is flat, emotionless, and energyless. Even Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor, who are supposed to be the "big names" in this flick, fall short of even the most boring moments in Nell or Trainspotting.
The Queen is terrible. Isn't she a Victoria's Secret girl? Or Noxema? She was cute, and the best character of the bunch, but the acting was mediocre at best. Aniken looks 7, is probably 10 and is mouthing the words of a 15 year old. He comes across as the typical hardened Hollywood "little adult" type, which gives me the creeps. I guess that works, as he's supposed to be supernaturally extraordinary, but Shirley Temple could have out-done him when she was 4.
Costumes
The costumes were pretty good--the Jedis looked like they always have, in robes of good old Benedictine Black and Franciscan Brown, and the others dressed to their climates, for the most part (though why water-dwelling creatures would wear anything is beyond me.) The only thing that bothered me is the use of medieval Japanese-style dresses. Why? Just to look cool, I guess. I could almost hear the costumers squealing in their LA/New Jersey accents "Ohhh, Geo-wage dawling. Why don't we go with a Japanese look. You know, like those kabuke/geisha people. We can do lots of sequins and big hair." It was anachronistic, but not in a clever or funny way.
Cinematography
Well there wasn't very much, now was there? It was all CGI! As for the few bits of live-action stuff...enh. Nothing impressive, except for maybe the race and the underwater stuff, which were, again, CGI video games.
Editing
Can't say much about this except that it was choppy, inelegant and seriously ruined some of the phenomenal fight scenes. Did they let an intern do it?
Choreography
Despite the chopy editing, the swordplay was some of the best I've ever seen in a movie. I forgot to check the credits as I was fleeing the swarm of gamers in search of warm air and a cigarette, but it reminded me of J. Imes (?) and other serious martial arts choreographers. The combatants actually attacked each other, not each other's blades, they put muscle and sweat into it, but it was artistic and elegant still. They parried & reposted like true USFA champions, but still got to do cool Jedi swirlie things like mid-air cartwheels and flying off ledges & jumping up walls. It thoroughly satisfied the ex-fencer and action- flick fan in me.
Music
The other great thing about Phantom Menace was John Williams' phenomenal score. He uses the good ole' traditional StarWars theme, blended with some new tricks, like spooky evil choral bits (a la James Horner of Titanic) and some new themes. It was appropriate to each scene and was as breathtaking as expected.
Final Verdict
There was no Phantom Menace as far as I am aware. None. We knew about all the menaces that were in the movie from the beginning. If we were supposed to find the characters of the Chancellor and Anakin ambiguous in any way, they failed utterly. In fact, the only menace anywhere is the script.
This movie was aimed at an under-13 audience, but sophisticated adult viewers expected an unfolding of a great mythology, new heroes and heroines to join the ranks of Princess Leia, Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. What we got is a goofy rasta fish-thing, a boring Queen, and some senatorial squabblings. Ten minutes of Babylon 5 has more heroism and fine acting and better computer graphics than this entire film.
I think Lucas is desperately hoping the CGI characters and effects will carry the movie but even that failed. The effects in The Mummy and The Matrix are so superior I have to question whether or not ILM was actually involved in this production at all.
How can the mind that created the original trilogy have signed his name to this crap??? My only thoughts are that either this is some kind of joke, a kids movie to satisfy the clamoring for the release of the real thing, or that Lucas is a sellout who had someone else do all the work and just signed his name at the bottom to make the big bucks. Whatever the reason, I think Joseph Campbell must be rolling over in his grave.