updated 8.14.01

from a conversation with my cousin...
Chris:
so where are you right now then? just a short overview - i'm sure we could talk for hours about it

Kelly:
in my religio-spiritual beliefs?
::heave big sigh::
no idea
well, i could make a few guesses.

basically, i've come to the conclusion that all religions & spiritual practices have or had the same goals (at one point, if not still) therefore, whichever one you chose just has images that appeal to you more than the others. different names, same faces kinda thing.

however, some get more controlled/corrupted by others and you lose sight of the fact that they're all the same & get caught up in convincing others that you're right & forget what you're saying in the first place. kinda like when you get stuckin those "did too!" "did not!" arguments & then can't remember what you were arguing about? that's kinda what i feel about evangelists & any other fundamentalists of whatever religion.

so. given that, i think that all living beings have conciousness. i think that all living beings (whether that includes "the earth" or not is up for debate - the definition of "living" is up for debate) that all "living beings" naturally (up for debate) have some sort of awareness & respect for the other living beings. when we (humans) try to deny that, shit gets fucked up. if you want to acknowledge the other beings consciousness as gods, godesses, faeries, whatever, that's really irrelevant. if you want to call the Whole of the universe, galaxy, solarsystem, earth, whatever "god" ok fine. if you want to look at them all separately, okfine.

but the other thing that i feel pretty sure about is that there is a design, pattern, whateveryoucallit to Life as a Whole (more than merely human earthly existance) and that we are too small to see it - to look at it directly, but that we can see fragments of reflections of it in tarot cards, in trances, in hallucinogenic drug trips. dreams...

but that to assign understanding or meaning to it absurd arrogance, as a general rule. there are a very very small number of people who actually can make sense of those fragments. but i think none of them are "right." jesus, buddha, freud, jung, joseph campbell... they were all right. and all wrong

damn. i'm being rather articulate for not having thought about this stuff in a while.

I have no idea of the date, the day, the time--the date at the top is an educated guess.

I want to try to explain my belief system, my disbeliefs and how I came by them. But people are so judgemental and so often unwilling to believe what I'm saying, that I hesitate.

I stand on the verge between belief and disbelief on so many issues & so many specific items & topics, it will be hard to explain these things without sounding like a cynic or a fruitcake & a hypocrite to both.

The best example I can think of on this topic is that of gods & goddesses. In the span of a few short years, I went from pretty unquestioning belief in the Xtian God, to utter disbelief, to a vague tolerance of the concept of polytheism. Which is pretty much where I am today. So this makes reading the books taht address the subjects I do believe very difficult, b/c most of them deal w/ supplicating a deity to get what they want.

I don't like religions. At all. Or anything that resembles them. This makes me sound like a complete cynic to the Wiccan-types. So I pick & choose the beliefs like shells on a beach. I think this is when people get upset about "cultural appropriation." Fortunately for these people, the only culture I feel drawn to appropriate is what they would consider "my own."

By this I mean most of my spiritual beliefs (but certainly not all of them) stem from what most consider the Celtic world. I personally don't know that that is 100% true - the Celts do not own the patent on respecting nature & trees & rocks & the sky.

One thing, the most important thing, that I learned from my Div2 is that all religions are the same. They boil down to mostly the same rules, the same symbols and the same stories.

I have tried to explain many times to many people what I think it is all about. Life the Universe and Everything. I have read many books, on crystal balls and herbs & Tarot cards, on shamanism and strict book- learned Will-induced Magic.

Everyone and everything reflects his or her own version of Truth. I don't have any scientific data to back me up on this, but i'd be willing to bet that along with no 2 snowflakes & no 2 fingerprints, there are no 2 people whose beliefs are the same. Even people in large organized religions will tell you they don't go along with _everything_ the pope, Mohammed, the rabbi, says.

I'd say that everyone is wrong (in each other's eyes) and everyone is right (in their own eyes). Which is why I think arguing & fighting about religion is just as stupid as fightin over skin color.

What is my "religion?" I don't really know. Stories? The Tarot? Truth? Some mutant combination of those? (The Truth & Stories seem to be mutually exclusive, dont' they?)

I have a hard time doing things for no reason. I never understood kids who did shit just "for the hell of it," especially destructive shit. I think this is related (cause? effect) to why I have such a hard time with ritual -- or at least _formal_ ritual. (More on the distinction between habit & ritual later.)

In the specific context of "magical" work,(def?) I do believe that certain things should be done in certain ways. These "ways" derivate from various sources:
intuition
books/written instructions
friends (their sources are generally questioned)

MY general method is to first read the instructions. If they seem to "make sense" (this all very subjective, as you cansee) then i'll try them out. If they're dumb or they don't work, i;l try some methods or variations of my own, and finally when I feel comfortable (or totally lost :) is when i'll finally approach a friend or advisor in the matter for input.

Often I don't get past the "read the instructions" stage b/c the concept (whatever it is) seems so rediculous or impossible. Often it will sit in the back of my head for a while & at a later point, when i've collected more data, gotten new ideas & new opinions, I might re-open the subject & try something new.

So far the "new" subject that i have put the most time & effort & research into is the Tarot. I started with the crappy booklet the cards came with. (I selected the deck based on my observatins of others using the same deck--I had seen it, had readings done with it and loved the art. Plus Crowley specifically designed it to incorporate many religios/symbolic traditions) Then i practiced on myself & friends w/ obvious questions. Then i did an interp of another deck & re-did the reading w/ my own deck -Drunk & from then on i had a much better intuitive understanding of the cards. I also bought the book Crowley wrote to go with the deck (300+ pages-it's part of a larger system of understanding the universe) as well as 2 or 3 others over time.

The ones by Zeigler seem to be the most relevant to me & my situations. His interpretations of the deck are very positive & constructiove, ven witht he so-called "negative" cards. This is kind of annoying on occasion, but better than an overly pessimistic reading (which is what most people experience with the Crowley/Thoth deck.) Also, if you figure what you expect to happen is more likely to happen, it's better to be overly optimistic, right? :) maybe.

more to come...

kbt
7/19/98

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Kelly's Theory of the Universe

1) there is no such thing as co-incidence
2) the force, as described by Obi-Wan (not to be a gamer-nerd, tho) :)

this works like this: the "universe" is more than just outer space part, it's the planet, the ecosystems, humans, everything. our planet is just one tiny part of it, obviously, but it's all part of the same system. and, to use the human body analogy, if the universe was a body, the "force" would be the blood, or more appropriately the neural system, carrying information, pain, etc in a sort of chain reactions from one part to all other parts. so that if one piece gets fucked up, somewhere else will more likely than not also get fucked up. if it gets fucked up enough, it ALL needs to be fixed.